Can't Live Without You
by Bellantara
Summary: Keith loves Sven, knowing nothing will ever come of it. Lance watches from afar, wishing he could make Keith see how things are. . .


A/N: Just a little something different I wanted to try. As usual, I don't own them, just like to play with them now and then.

**Keith**

Why do I do this? He's made his preferences clear, and I'm not part of them. Oh, I've never made a play for him; another guy did, though, and he in his quiet way made it quite clear that he was very straight. Yet, here I am, watching him down on the common playing soccer, drinking in the vision that is Sven. Shirtless, with the muscular physique we all have after five years of Academy training—God help me, he's beautiful. And so very much out of my reach. Even if he wasn't straight, I'm his commander. Garrison's death on fraternization. So, I'll just torture myself from a distance, watching the man I'll always love.

"I still say you should tell him." The soft voice belongs to Lance; a minute later, his hands are on my shoulders. Very tactile, our Lance; he loves to touch and be touched. I shake my head."I can't, Lance, and you know why."

Lance sighs, and I feel him squeeze my shoulders. "Yeah, but I still say you should tell him. You're an idiot for putting yourself through this. Anyway, I came to see if I could bribe you. That quantum physics assignment is making no sense to me." He comes around and gives me that fallen angel smile that has half the Academy wanting him. "I have chocolate chip cookies from Grandma Phyllis; come on, help me out." Even without the cookies—which he _knows_ I'm addicted to—it's hard to resist Lance. I smile at him and follow him back to our room.

**Lance**

God Almighty, which one of us is the bigger idiot? Him, mooning over Sven, knowing Sven's not interested, or me, chasing my oblivious commander? I take any excuse to touch him. I don't need his help with my classwork, but pretend I do to be alone with him. Damn. I've never in my life been this pathetic; I could have my pick, male or female, but he's the only one I'm interested in.

We're sitting at my desk, him explaining a concept I know backwards and forwards, and God, it's torture. He's close enough that I can feel his body heat, could run my fingers through that gorgeous hair, and can smell the sandalwood and cinnamon that is his scent. This is why I play dumb; moments like this are all I'll ever get. But he knows I'm not that dense. And I finally have to tell him I've got the concept. He smiles and claps me on the shoulder, then grabs his gear and a handful of cookies, heading to kendo practice. With Sven. Why can't I tell him how I feel? He knows I'm bi; I've been just as open about that as he has about being gay. But between Garrison fraternization policies and his feelings for Sven, I know I don't have a chance in hell. So, I keep my mouth shut and keep playing stupid in quantum physics.

**Keith**

I don't believe it. Garrison's wild goose chase paid off. Voltron is real, and now we fly him. I've never been so busy in my life; learning to fly this magnificent machine, practicing with the guys to figure out what we can do with these cats, dodging starry-eyed princesses who have read one too many fairy tales—God, I'm exhausted. Still find time and energy to watch him, though. I spar with him any and every chance I get. Lance tells me it's pathetic, and I suppose he's right. But I don't know how else to be.

I'm still shaking from the conversation I just had with that diplomat—Coran, his name is. "Commander, may I have a word with you regarding Her Highness?" I nodded, and he led me out to a terrace. Once there, he hesitated, playing with that mustache of his. "Commander, I'm sure you've noticed that the Princess is—somewhat sheltered." Boy, that's the understatement of the 23rd century. "Yes, I've noticed," I told him. "She's never even seen guys close to her age, has she?"

"No, and I'm afraid she's reacting as any young girl would to a group of handsome young men." He looked at me. Suddenly I knew where he was going with this, and I was furious. "Stop right there. My team and I are decent, honorable men; we're also professionals. None of us would ever take advantage of someone like the Princess." I had to walk away before I said something I shouldn't. The idea that he could even think such a thing of us has me shaking. I wish more than ever that Sven returned my feelings. God, I want someone to lean on so bad. Everyone expects so much of me, and I have to do it all alone.

**Lance**

He's changed. God, it hurts to see how much he's changed. Understand, Keith's never really been one to share his feelings. But now he's shut down completely, locking everything behind that damned commander mask he wears. He'd confide everything to Sven in a minute, if Sven showed the slightest interest in him. But Sven doesn't, and Sven won't, so he keeps everything locked inside.

I don't have an excuse to get him alone anymore. I don't dare play stupid here. Those kitty cats don't have any room for error, and when you add that Keith made me his second—yeah, you better believe I'm busting my ass to stay on top of my game.

I can see him from my window, standing alone on one of the terraces. Something's wrong—I can tell by how his head's bowed and those broad shoulders are slumped. God, Keith, my friend, my love, I'd give anything to be able to go down there and console you, hold you and tell you that whatever it is will be all right. But you love Sven, not me, and so I'll turn off my light and suffer in the dark.

**Sven**

I'm going to die. I knew that, as soon as I saw that Robeast. _Gud i himmelen_, everything hurts. I can't breathe, and I can't see. Keith and Lance are here, though; I can hear them on either side of me, feel their tears and Keith's arms around me. _Gud_, my brothers, so much I want to say, and no time. I know it's almost over. Just one thing: "Keit?" "Yeah, Sven?" "I'm. . .sorry. Sorry. . .I couldn't. . . love you." I have just enough strength to squeeze both of their hands, and then nothing hurts anymore. . . .

**Keith**

He knew. Oh, God, he knew. And he's gone. I'll never see him again, never hear his quiet advice. And it's my fault. I failed him. I was his commander, I had a duty to protect him, and I failed. It should have been me taking on Haggar and that Robeast, not Lance, not him. But no, I had to babysit the little girl princess, and let two of my men go off to what should have been death for both of them.

We buried Sven today, on a hill overlooking the castle. I cried, sure, but for the most part I played the stoic commander. But now, alone in my room, I can let it all out. Face down on my bed, pillow over my face so Lance doesn't hear me, I can scream and howl and let my true feelings out. He knew I loved him, but didn't say anything. I guess he knew I would be embarrassed. And now I'll never love anyone else ever again.

But that's not important. I've lost a member of my team, less than two months into the mission. That has to be some kind of Garrison record. Some commander I've turned out to be. It's unacceptable. My incompetence cost Sven his life, and there's only one answer for that, in my heritage. My katana is somewhere between here and Earth, but I have Sven's sword. It will have to do.

**Lance**

Oh my God, something's wrong. Keith didn't show up for Lion practice this morning. He's always the first one there, and he wasn't there when I stumbled in this morning. Now I can't find him. Not in his room, the garden, or. . . wait. Holy Mother of God, please let me be wrong.

Fuckdamnshit. I found him. Fuck! "Damnit, Keith! You hold on, don't you dare die on me, you bastard!" Oh God, what the hell was he thinking? I scream into my COM for MedTech, NOW, and fall to my knees beside him. Crazy jerk tried to off himself in Sven's room; cut himself open with Sven's sword, and now he's lying there gasping in a pool of blood, holding his guts in with both hands. I put my hands over his, trying to do whatever I can, crying and swearing. God, it seems MedTech takes forever to get here, even though I know it's only a few minutes. They rush him off to surgery, and I'm left to pace the waiting room, wishing desperately that I hadn't quit smoking before we left Earth.

Three hours later, Hunk, Pidge and the princess have joined me, even though I'm not really paying any attention to them. All I can look at is the door they took Keith through; all I can think about is how I found him, and what I'll do if he doesn't make it. Dear God, please, I don't deserve any favors from you, but let him live. Please.

Gorma finally comes in and says what I've been praying to hear. "The Commander will recover. It was a very close thing, though. Lucky you found him when you did, Lt. McClain."

"Please, can I see him?" I don't know what makes me ask that, I just know I need to see him and tell him what I've been hiding since we were 16.

Gorma looks at me for a minute, then nods. "He is unconscious, but you may see him for a few minutes. Talk to him, Lieutenant. I think it will help."

I'm already halfway through the door. A nurse points me to ICU, and I make my way to Keith's bedside. Damn, he looks like hell. Gorma didn't tell me they had him on life support, and there are tubes and wires everywhere. Even for Kogane, he's pale, and his stomach is wrapped in bandages. I pull up a chair and take his hand; now that I'm in, I'm not leaving him. "You're an idiot, you know that, Kogane? I'm going to sit right here until you wake the fuck up and I can tell you that." I lean over so only he can hear. "And so I can tell you that I love you."

**Keith**

Kami-sama, what was I thinking? Hara-kiri? Really? I know better. It's not meant for a trivial thing like this. Sven made his own choice; the blame for its outcome is not mine to bear. And unrequited love is _definitely_ not on the approved list of reasons, either.

I'm obviously not dead, unless I was reborn blind, and I don't think the universe has that much of a sense of humor. Which means I'm in MedTech, and probably should try to wake up. As I focus on that, I become aware of a hand holding mine. Too big for Pidge, not big enough for Hunk, and can't see either of them holding my hand anyway. Princess? No, too strong and way too callused. That means it's Lance. What the heck is he doing here? I listen for a minute, and realize he's talking to me. I smile to myself as he calls me an idiot, then. . . ". . . .so I can tell you that I love you." Lance? Loves me? I never thought. . . .but it explains so much.

I move my hand in his, and open my eyes. He looks awful. Red eyes, at least three days worth of beard on his face, bruises under that. Moving in that stiff way that I know from experience means broken ribs. My fault, all of it. He's had to fight however long without me, and without Voltron. My fault. And if I hadn't botched my suicide, his death would be my fault too. I try to say his name, without success. "You've got a tube to help you breathe, Keith." He leans over and brushes my hair out of my face. "Just relax."

I can't talk, but nothing's wrong with my fingers. *Lance? Did I hear you say you love me?*

**Lance**

It's been three days since. . .I found Keith in Sven's room. He hasn't woken up in all that time, and I've only left him to fight. I took Black's key from him; hated to do it, but without Voltron, we need all the firepower we can get. I crashed pretty good in that fight; broke my ribs. They hurt like hell, and Gorma wants me in a bed, preferably on painkillers. I can't do the painkillers; I have to fly. And I won't leave Keith. Never again. I don't want him to wake up alone.

His hand moves in mine. Thank God, he's finally awake. Those eyes open and look at me; I can tell he's trying to talk, but can't with the breathing tube in. I explain it to him, and his fingers move in the sign language we were taught at the Academy. *Lance? Did I hear you say you love me?* I'm not ready for that, but he pins me with his gaze, demanding an answer even through the fog of drugs. "Yeah, you did," I sigh. "And God help me, I do. I always have." His eyes widen.

**Keith**

He's always loved me. How did I not know that? All the time I've spent chasing Sven, and Lance was always there waiting. The drugs are trying to pull me back under, but I fight them. *Always?* He nods, then I remember something else. *Said I was an idiot* He shrugs, as only Lance can shrug. "You tried to commit suicide over a love you KNEW was one-sided, when you're the commander and have responsibilities to the rest of us. Yeah, that's pretty idiotic to me."

I want to be mad at him for saying that, but it's hard to do when he's right, and I don't have the energy to spare anyway. Gorma comes in and decides the breathing tube can come out since I'm awake, which is never fun. Once the nasty business is over with, Lance is back at my side, offering me ice for my dry mouth and throat. I take a piece and suck it for a few minutes before I can manage a whisper. "I loved him, Lance. I think I'll always love him."

"I know." He takes my hand. "And I know he meant it when he said he was sorry he couldn't love you in return. Don't think about it now; just get some sleep."

I glare up at him. "Same goes for you. You're exhausted, and I know you're hurt. Go clean up and get some sleep. I'll still be here later." He chuckles and gets up slowly, heading for the door. "Lance? About what you said?" He looks back, hope and anguish warring in his features. "I don't know if I can love again." I swallow and fight the drugs one last time. "But when I'm better, I'd like to try." He comes back to me, face alight with joy, and his gentle kiss is the last thing I'm aware of as I slip back into the darkness.

**Lance**

It's been three months since that night in MedTech. We've been trying a relationship out, slowly; he still grieves for Sven, and so I let him dictate the pace. There's been more than one night that I've picked him up and carried him back to his room because he fell asleep on Sven's grave.

But that hasn't happened in nearly two months now, and as the pain of Sven's loss diminishes, I'm starting to see the spark of something else in Keith's eyes when he looks at me. He asked me tonight if I would take him to bed, and I hesitated, bad as I want him, because I know he's a virgin. But he persisted, and I finally gave in. You never really enjoy your first time, but I did everything I knew to make sure he got some pleasure out of it. Afterwards, as we curled up together, his back to my front, I heard the soft words I'd never dreamed I'd hear. "Lance, I love you." He went to sleep almost before he finished them, but I lay awake a little while longer, thanking God, Sven, and whoever else for this chance. I promise to spend the rest of my life making the most of it.


End file.
